I went to the bookstore. While I was in …
Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car.
the elevator broke in my dorm and won’t …
Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won’t be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor.
after finally getting up the nerve to ta…
Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot.
my long lost father came to visit me. He…
Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk then tried to hit me. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they turned up, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him.
I got grounded because I have a picture …
Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I’m touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I’ll end up in jail. My parents are crazy.
while browsing facebook I found out that…
Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school’s class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited.
my minivan broke down on the side of the…
Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I’m out of work and can’t afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance."
I saw one of those candies that you spra…
Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume.
I was at a party when I had to take a pi…
Today, I was at a party when I had to take a piss. When I was done, I discovered the door had been jammed. I tried to go out the window, but got stuck instead. My friends then went on either sides of the window and took off with my clothes. When I finally got free, I had to beg for my clothes back, with only a beer bottle covering my junk.
I went to the blood bank to donate plasm…
Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie.